| (no subject) |
[Jan. 25th, 2005|07:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  love you rusty:) | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Come Home Soon-SheDaisy | ] |
It's easy to get over someone when you realize that you never meant as much to them as they did to you in the first place. And when you read their journal and see the endless list of girls vowing their friendship and love to him....it's way easier knowing you got dumped by somebody who makes a lot of girls fall in love with them. Makes me feel a little less stupid.
One thing that's still hard is trying to convince people that Love isn't all you need these days. Face it: I would never see him, He has no future, and His temper scares the shit out of me. It just wouldn't work. Alright? And it's not because I don't love him. Cuz that's just dumb. I loved him for a year or so....you just don't forget those sort of feelings.
As for me, right this second, Rusty! He is, by far, the sweetest guy on the face of this earth. No question, hands down. I can hardly wait to have him home safe...he's in Iraq, and let's all pray he can come home soon. I love that guy. We're going to go places when he comes home....and my daddy even knows about him:D He plays guitar...and he treats me like a princess already...and we haven't even known each other for a whole week. Mark my words guys, this guy is here to stay. No more of this date for a month/day/3 weeks bullshit. I like this one:)
Well, I'll leave you with some words of wisdom....or not. I'm just not in that sort of mood right now. So sue me. I love you ladies, ya'll are my rocks. And to Rusty-you've made me heal in ways only love can...thank you so much:D
Love,
Kinky |
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| this feeling is too familiar...... |
[Jan. 17th, 2005|01:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hanging by a Moment- Lifehouse | ] |
I want him to realize how much I gave him....
I want him to realize how much he stole....
I want somebody to wipe my face....
I want to sing a love song to someone and have them realize the true meaning....
Why won't people invest in me? Am I not worth the time and effort?
I dont make people happy...like they deserve to be....I should be alone forever....
I don't deserve to be in love.....
I've cheapened myself in order to get the love that was never there.....
Wow I'm a slut....
180 degree turn around here....no more mean people getting what they want out of me because I want approval...
No more people trying to use me for things I used to hold so sacred....
I want the pure white love of july 2004
always,
erika........
"My heart can't possibly break if it wasn't even whole to start with......"
"Blue on blue, heartache on heartache..."
you're like salt in the bleeding wounds of my heart *tear |
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| ohhhhhhh i love you too mr tech guys |
[Jan. 12th, 2005|05:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  boys suck a hella lot | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Behind these Hazel Eyes"-Kelly Clarkson | ] |
Dorks. Why on God's green earth would you block a journal website...those losers confuse the shrooms outta me. Then again so do a lot of things. Like boys. Screw them. The one's that "love" me don't really....or don't act like it anyways...then there's just the dumb ones who put you down every chance they can get....grrrrrrruff! Aaaanyways...now it sucks because I can only post when I'm at my mom's house (hmmmm once a week maybe). So I lose all my good thoughts. Dumb tech guys. Just cuz you have a tattoo doesn't make you cool. Lee. Loser. Meh anywho. I was just thinking of some things last night...
You are the reason for the permanent tearspots on my pillow.
Your absence ripped out a piece of my heart that will never be replaced....
The way you treat me resembles that of a doormat. Thank-you....
This is not outpatient therapy. If you want my friendship, you're here long term....
Ugh boys flippin suck balls
Love you ladies
Erika |
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| going downhill.... |
[Jan. 8th, 2005|09:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "In my Daughter's Eyes"-Martina McBride | ] |
It sucks feeling like somebody's garbage. But, like this guy told me, "Imagine what Christ felt when walking up Calvary"....wow poor guy. It also sucks being all alone at my house and not having anyone care two cents about holding me and wiping my face....so many people lie so incredibly much. And make empty promises. I hate that. A lot. But hey, I can't change how people feel about me. If I could, ...I don't even know...son of a gun...I want some food pretty damn bad. And a martini. But that's beyond the point. I guess the point is, is that I think I've found my special someone....only...I don't think he's found me..... |
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| holding out for a hero |
[Jan. 6th, 2005|10:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hyper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I Need a Hero | ] |
I fell onto these lyrics by accident. They're pretty cool I do believe. Lately, I've come to the realization that the way I'm living is not His. As much as I didn't want to listen to him....i knew he was right...so I took his advice and fell to my knees and asked God to take over my life. I don't need to rely on my friends, a guy, or even myself...God is always going to be there for me. It was extremely difficult to let go tho....because everything I knew and relied on came crashing down around me. Definitely a new year.....wow I love Jesus! He's the coolest! Oh yeah the lyrics.... lol here ya'll are!
Kisses,
Kinky/Kika/Erika Sue/Erikakaka/Dirty Cousin Fucker
stumbling I fall away it's hard to make a change
easy to be who you are when no one knows your name
walking past the lonely walls with eyes as cold as stone
climb inside the emptiness it's safe when you're alone
don't be alarmed
don't be afraid of what you are
just look around
everybody is someone
everybody is someone
all this time you lived alone without a memory
built your life upon the ground that sinks beneath your feet
step outside the misery for once you feel alive
second chances only come around once in a life
don't be alarmed
don't be afraid of what you are
just turn around
everybody is someone
everybody is someone
don't be alarmed
don't be afraid of what you are
just turn around
everybody is someone
everybody is someone
don't be alarmed
don't be afraid of what you are
just look around
everybody is someone
everybody is someone |
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| me again! |
[Jan. 5th, 2005|11:29 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indifferent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | hmmm i wonder what i'm listening to...i posted lyrics..der.. | ] |
Good, good song. I don't really care if you read it. It's not my problem. Love you!
Kelly Clarkson
Because of You
will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you |
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| i wonder..... |
[Jan. 5th, 2005|11:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | accomplished | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Creed-"Higher" | ] |
I wonder what it would be like to ace every test.
I wonder what it would feel like to be beautiful to someone other than God.
I wonder what it would be like to be skinny.
I wonder what it would feel like to love completely, and be loved just as much in return.
I wonder what it would be like to become President.
I wonder what it would feel like to lose a parent.
I wonder what it would be like to have a near-death experience.
*sigh*
I'm not depressed or anything...just really thoughtful I suppose. I've come to realize that I endured pain for a reason, and I'm going to make the best of it. I want to do so much with my life, I want to touch (you know what I mean) so many people. I want to be a crucial part of someone's life. But life isn't about getting what we want. It's about not getting what we want, and learning from the experience. I know that, because of the hurt I've had, I'm going to be a stronger woman in the future. (It's so weird describing myself as a woman..hmmmm) I haven't lost my sense of humor, I haven't lost my passion for life....but I've lost parts of me that truly matter, and I'm determined to get them back. As much as I loved being someone's somebody, and as much as I love to be cuddled....I can't dwell on what I can't have. It's just not healthy. The only one who knows what my future holds is God, and that's how I like it. I can concentrate on living for Him and myself, while making sure I take care of my buddies along the way. I don't need to spend my time searching for a husband or boyfriend when I know that in due time, God will lead me right to him. Probably the person I least expect, when I least expect it. So there. 30 second self-discovery. Gotta love it. Well for now I'm out, I'm in one of "those moods" today so I'll probably post multiple times throughout the day. To my greatest friends....(you know who you are...yes Lisa, you too, i'm not mad at you in the least bit sweetie, I've just been oh so busy)...I love you more than I could ever love a guy....good friends are precious jewels that must never be let go.
Tata for now...oh and kisses too..
Erika Sue
whoa that totally rhymed.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2005|11:18 am] |
Ok so two things. I stole this from Cirsten:)Love you kiddo...and it's really long. But just take 3 minutes and read it, and you can either look at it as the Christian song it is, or it works well as a boy/girl love too if that's how you think. Just a great song. Read it. I command you. Now. Scroll and read.
kisses!
erika
I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts I will exclude
this very thing that
I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless
to dictate my own moods
I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works
when I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them
If and when I can
clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found
I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works
Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet you love me
and that consumes me
and I'll stand up again
and do so willingly
You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
you touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
as I exhale I hear your voice
and I answer you, though I heardly make a noise
and from my lips the words I choose to say
seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
because I love you
oh God, I love you
and life is now worth living
if only because of you
and when they say I'm dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth
When I go down
I life my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again
to life me up again |
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| maybe... |
[Jan. 4th, 2005|10:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | discussion about Chinese women in English class... | ] |
Another day in the amazing life of me. I think today is going to be a good day:) Sooooo I have boy troubles up the bum....yes I just said bum. There's the one I lost...but we all know that story and ya'll are sick of hearing about it....then there's the one I had and gave away....which is for the better, although he made the other night amazingly beautiful...nobody had cared that much about me in a long time...yet it's just not meant to be. There's the one who says he's mine...yet I feel he's slipping away...I don't know what to do with that one. Then there's the one who I want to save....he's an amazing guy with so much to offer a girl...but he is sooo jaded and not willing to invest in another relationship for some time. Even though I realize that's why nothing has become of us, it's hard not to think that it's somehow my fault.
And then there's me. Flawed, passionate, simple me. No, I'm not simple. I'm complex actually. I love elaborately, I have complex thoughts, and I tend to make things a lot more difficult then they need to be. But that's just me. I eat too much. I think about boys too much. I'm not quite pretty. I swear too much. I love too passionately. I give too much of myself away to other people. But you know what? I love to sing. I love to paint. I love to read. I take good care of people. I drive safely:) I'm going to be a good mother someday. And most of all I love Jesus Christ. He is the brightest, most amazing man I will ever meet and share my life with. If I didn't like boys so much...I'd just stop looking altogether because Jesus is more of a man than any man on this earth. Does that make any sense? Well it does to me so that's what's important. Well, moving on...
School sucks a little and I want some cookie dough. Yes, the fat chic wants cookie dough.
By the way...if you're a girl, and you're my friend, I love you.
Later gators!
Kinky |
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| meh |
[Jan. 3rd, 2005|12:03 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
Sometimes I wish I could disappear and see if my absence causes any ripples.... |
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| ...moving on?... |
[Jan. 3rd, 2005|10:28 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the song i keep playing in my head.... | ] |
New year, new life, new outlook. Gosh Erika, way to start the New Year off with a bang.....so to speak. Wild Christmas break that's for sure....and I kinda got shit on by yet another guy I really like. And then ghosts from my past came back to haunt me....and I'm proud I didn't give in....even tho it's amaaaazingly tempting, needing to be loved and all...but I had the chance and I turned it down. I don't know who you are, I don't know your name, I don't know when I'll meet you, but I love you, and I'm waiting (not so) patiently for you.....
If some/all of these apply to you, please contact me....:)
1. Christian
2. Musician
3. Taller than me
4. Sings:D (or can at least carry a tune)
5. Nice to old people
6. Have had their heart broken
7. Possibly broken a heart
8. Likes and wants to have Kids
9. Enjoys cuddling
10. Good Kisser:P No sloppy wet ones allowed
11. Likes to go on adventures:)
12. Road Trips:D
13. Trustworthy
14. Sense of Humor
15. NO kissing and telling;)If I wanted your friends to know what we have done I'd have done it with them
16. Can just overall keep secrets
17. Has to refuse to ever fall in love with your best friend....period.
18. Optomist
19. Bright Future....college now or in the near future (unless I suppose you're out of college:P)
20. Good with parents:D I don't want to have to coach my man to talk to my parents...lol
I can't think of anything else off the top of my head, but the list WILL expand, that's a promise:P
Have a happy monday ya'll!
Love you tons!
Kinky |
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| Merry (?) Christmas |
[Dec. 25th, 2004|07:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | dirty | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ryan Cabrera-True | ] |
Yay! It's Christmas. In case you didn't know, it's a holiday today. This holiday's been unusually hard, just the fact that...idk, it's been so long, yet the pain is so fresh! Although I'm pretty sure he saved me from a potentially disasterous situation, thank God. If ya wanna know, ask...I'm not in the mood to talk about it. Or just ask my cousin Jessica or Auntie Leslie..they kinda saw it, not really but anyways. Idk I feel kinda dirty, like I almost deserved it, or was provoking it....yuck yuck yuck. Afterwards I felt so alone...sittin in the car all by myself listening to the radio..the tears just rollin down my face. Rejection is a bitch. And pain is a bastard. Actually I wanna just puke thinking about that dirty sob...... I bet ya'll are just itchin to know what happened now, huh! Well it's not for a journal entry that's for sure. For now...just a song that hits ever so close to home....
If you ladies don't call me over break i'm egging your cars...all of ya!
Love ya,
Erika
I wont talk
I wont breathe
I wont move till you finally see
That you belong with me
You might think I dont look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
Im attached to you
Im weak
Its true
Cuz im afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster
I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
You dont know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
Im afraid to move
Im weak
Its true
Im just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know u met me?
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true
I know when I go ill be on my way to you
The way thats true
I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true |
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| one step foreward.... |
[Dec. 21st, 2004|10:25 am] |
Ok. As much as my heart hurts, I can't live like this. And I'm getting myself absolutely nowhere. You can only unload so much before it starts to tear you down. Sometimes telling people how you feel gets old....for sure. And although I haven't stopped feeling that way....I need to stop talking about it. He's very much in love with someone else....almost like I was a stepping stone on the way to his soulmate...but when he "stepped" on me....he took most of my heart with him. The only part I've got left is the part that feels pain. I try so damn hard to be good to people...and to be there for everyone around me...but at what point do you stop and say, I need time for myself...and I need time to recover from the most painful thing I've ever endured? I love each and every one of my friends very much, but the more of me I give away, the more I feel like...idk not a person anymore. I hate being like this, and I hate staying in this place, where it's all dark...and I can't think of anything but school without wanting to cry....oh and then there's Josh. He was a really sweet guy...and I loved him for over a year...plus...and then out of the blue he told someone I was a dirty slut...? That hurt really bad...you have no idea...I made one mistake, and he should never have found out about it in the first place. But information gets out obviously, and idk...it's just weird because he's not the same Josh I was so in love with....I wanted to marry that one, I really did. It just didn't work out. There was nothing I could really do...we just weren't meant to be. He taught me everything I know about love, and taking care of someone...and idk he's changed. That's for sure. Well, ya know what? I hate a whole baggie of chocolate and now I'm in the mood for some butt kickin. The next person that makes me feel bad is gonna get ripped into...I'm sure of it....lol. Oh well maybe not, I'm just hyper is all. Well, happy christmas everybody...ya'll need to call so we can hang out over break....
love you!
erika |
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| i'm gonna be sick! |
[Dec. 20th, 2004|10:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | crushed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | my heart...it hurts...it cant catch its breath.... | ] |
Ewww I don't feel well. Headache...tummy ache, heartache....the works. Why is it so hard for me to forget him, but he can move on and find perfect love like i never existed? I hate being in this place, it sucks. It's not that I even necessarily want him back (even tho thru it all I'd kill to sit in his arms), I'm just...idk almost jealous that he's found his someone already...and I still can't get it out of my head. But ya know what, the thing that gets me is that I pick at myself all the time. Right before I fall asleep I look back at the good times and try hard to think of things I could've done differently, ways I could have been better. It's tearing me apart actually. What I want more than anything is to return to being the person he fell in love with. I know it wouldn't get him back...but I was happy with myself then, and if it was good enough for him, it's good enough for me. I hate the person I am now. I hate that I can't read his journal without crying...I hate that I'm always so on edge...I hate that I can't listen to evanescence at all anymore...and I hate that no one wants to love me. Am I really that bad? I didn't used to think so....but something has massively changed. If it hadn't been so good, I wouldn't hurt so much. If he hadn't been the perfect guy I had been asking God for my entire life, I wouldn't dwell on it. But, as the Gretchen Wilson song says...I'm just sitting here "wondering what happened"....and why I couldn't stop it. For now, I need to be done before the tears welling up in my eyes start erupting down my face..... |
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| a beautiful disaster.... |
[Dec. 19th, 2004|01:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "beautiful disaster"-Kelly Clarkson | ] |
Whoa what a wirlwind day. I bought the new Kelly Clarkson cd last night....I needed some girl power music I suppose:P My love for a certain someone has been completely renewed, and it's not who ya'll are thinking either. But then again...there's the guy I want to love so desperately...I want to "hold you high and steal your pain"....I wish I could show him how love can heal...and that I have no intention of hurting him ever...but oh well what can ya do. There are so many songs on this album that are post-worthy...but more than one set of lyrics in entry might bore people:P So I'll refrain...maybe..it depends on my mood:D Shout out to jen...you go for that dude hun...it could be interesting...besides, if u need pointers on the whole older guy thing, i'm totally good at that;) But for now, I need to be asleep, I have church tomorrow..there's just so much on my mind.....have fun with these lyrics...they just ...are so perfect for me...
"Behind These Hazel Eyes"
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
....sooo true, right ladies?...how bout this one....
"Because of You"
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because you know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Because of you
Because of you
wow i love this album:)
God bless y'all! |
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| what to think?! |
[Dec. 17th, 2004|11:32 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Falling up/Soul Jazz CD Krista burned | ] |
So just when I begin to numb the part of my body that still hangs onto him, I get pulled backwards. I never wanted to let go, to tell you the truth, yet I felt that in order to function I had to. But I couldn't, and I still can't. I'd be lying if I didn't say I think he made a huge mistake. Then again, of course I want that back, I'd be stupid not to. My entire life I searched for, waited for, prayed for someone like that, and I was blind with happiness when my prayers were answered. Now, I realize that maybe my life doesn't have to start over in order to heal....I just need to know that I'm not to blame. I gave everything I had, and there's nothing more I could have done to make it work. That being said, I feel like I'm beginning to heal in a weird way. A soul like mine needs to be shattered in order to truely appreciate the beauty of life. It's just simply right for me. Every bone in my body aches to be held for him, like the first time he held me so long ago...I even miss when he tickled me, even though it drove me bonkers. I miss the way he smelled....wow does that mean I'm obsessed? Jeepers I hope not. Lately, I've been looking for love in all the wrong places, in all the completely wrong places. In people that don't want to give more than...well, ya know what. It's so hard to go from the most amazing guy I've ever met in my life, and who I'd kill to just...see again....to the guy who doesn't want to even look at me, yet expects so much from me. I'm tired of selling myself short and stooping to low levels in order to prove that I've moved on. Every hurtful relationship I've had since him has only made me wish for him more. From the sounds of it, I've digressed. So sue me. I've never felt as amazing as I did those 2 days in Fargo, and I never felt so terribly alone and damaged as the day he let me go. I have not felt like an entire person since that day, and I have no clue as to when I will again. God will not let me forget him, I just keep receiving little signs....songs on the radio...the purse I used when I was with him...Gosh Damn Buffalo Wild Wings....pictures I come across after throwing them away, now there's something creepy. I threw away the picture that was in my bookbag at least 5 times, and I always find it in a drawer, in a pocket, in my purse, when I know very well that I didn't put it there. What the heck is He trying to make me do? Go crazy? There's not a damn thing I can do about my missing him. His heart doesn't belong to me, and I can't have it back, no matter how bad I want it. In my prayers I beg God for the understanding of the signs He's been sending me, but nothing comes. How long should I suffer? When does it end? "Father, Healer, Deliver me from broken love....stay here, closer, let me hear your voice of love...."
With that, I love you ladies....your hugs and love is really what makes me live each day....!
Love always,
Erika Sue |
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| A new day..... |
[Dec. 16th, 2004|10:33 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Finding Forrester-on tv in English | ] |
YES! I LOVE singing on the radio! Especially with all of those people I love so much! aka Meistersingers:P Actually it was a blast...and they HAD to bring up nationals didn't they? Thanks Mr. Gauger, thanks a lot I really appreciate it. Ehhh today is just one of those..mehh days. I'm so caffeinated it's not even funny...add some M&M's to the equation and you've got one messed up little girl. Last night was awesome! We (youth group) went caroling at the mall, and my teacher can't hold a tune for her life, but it was fun anyways. Especially Perkins afterwards, thanks Matt:D It was sooo hilarious I just about died. Oh yeah and Matt, I'm totally callin up your brother:D Ahhhh to be young in today's world. Ya know what? All this time I've been so selfish. Do I think I'm the only girl to get her heart broken? Am I the first girl to ever watch the love of her life slip away? Am I the only person on this earth who's dreams don't come her way? I think not! God gave me so many gifts, and I intend to use them to their full ability to spread His word. I'm so thankful that I have amazing friends, a strong heart, a determined soul, and I'm not going to let anything bring me down. Things happen, but I'm not going through anything alone. "I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me"! Jesus led me to JD, and He'll help me on my path away from him also. I'm beginning to aquire extreme faith..and it's about time I walked the walk....! I need to be as pure in body and mind as I try to be in heart, and I'm trying to make others happy too.....I love being on the up and up, but then again, after such lows, there's only one direction to go, right? Besides, there are many people that love me, and say so. Why dwell on those who don't? It just brings me down. Dave, Scott, Will-you boys keep me goin, and I love you all! Jenay, Cirsten, Lisa, Jenna, Jolynn, Brandy, Nikki...the list could go on for days....and without ya'll I'd be a hopeless case with absolutely nothing to laugh at:D Special shout out to Krista-you've made my faith so much stronger! And without your shoulder to cry on I'd have a lot of pent-up tears...you've been there a lot for me this year and I'll never forget that! Love ya:D
Biggest shout out of all....Jesus Christ! Your eyes light up every time I say Your Name, and You're more of a soulmate than I could ever ask for!!
Love Always and God bless,
Erika Sue |
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| confessions of a bleeding heart....... |
[Dec. 15th, 2004|10:05 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Something in my head I've never heard before.... | ] |
I want someone's eyes to light up when I walk into the room....
I want to fill someone's entire soul with the love I know I'm capable of...
I want to make you feel beautiful....
I want to make someone's day, simply by being alive...
I want my hugs to mean more than anyone else's....
I want someone to love every minute I spend with them, and wish we were together every moment we're not...
I want to mean the world to someone...
I want to be something that someone couldn't live without....
I want someone to put my heart back together, and enjoy doing it....
I don't want to be a memory, I want to be an everlasting dream.....
I don't want my love to go to waste.....
Call me selfish, but I want a lot. I'm not sad anymore...just...I'm not really sure, numb maybe. It could be, that my heart is still working on putting itself back together....who knows. But even little steps are still steps in the right direction. Right girls?
I love you all so much!
Erika |
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| pretty woman...again |
[Dec. 14th, 2004|01:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Savior" -Skillet | ] |
Wow, more than anything right now, I want to be Julia Roberts in the end of Pretty Woman...things worked out for her beautifully. Not only was I dead tired this morning, I wasn't feeling well so I stayed home from 1st and 2nd block, and when I got to school I was greeted with drama. Yes! Definitely what I need is more drama! As if I don't have enough of my own already!! I understand the whole reasoning behind things, and yet I'm so confused. I gave all of myself, and ended up empty. I gave everything I ever had, and I still ended up the loser in the end. I just wish things could be different. I wish I lived...somewhere far away....the drama of this little town is ruining me, I'm not even kidding. So many rumors, so many people desperate for gossip. Do they think I don't have feelings? Even if I'm mortally wounded from heartbreak, I still matter, or that's what I need to tell myself. I couldn't ask for better friends, yet a huge part of me is just...gone. And evidently, there's no chance of ever getting it back, after some harsh realization from comments from my journal entry yesterday. It's everything I've wanted to hear, except the part that seemed so...so final. Almost as if...I'm a ghost from the past, never to be resurrected. It just plain sucks. All this time I've been praying for a second chance in the future, and it wasn't until yesterday I found out that it can't happen. I just need to do some soul searching and realize who I am, who I've become, because I honestly don't even know myself anymore. Well I'd love to write more...but I need to post today and my time's running short. I love you all, those who tell me they love me and mean it, those who have never left my side, those of you who give me the hugs I need....if it wasn't for you, I don't even know where I'd be. Thank you so much for everything you've done, and keep praying for me no matter what. I can't wait until we all get to hang out in heaven! I'm so excited:P
I love you so much everybody!
God Bless Always,
Erika Sue |
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| the good, the bad, and the fugly |
[Dec. 13th, 2004|08:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | thankful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pep Band...i can hear it from the cafeteria:P | ] |
Wow what a morning. Already. All I've got to do is read one person's journal to feel completely and utterly worthless and alone. Even after talking to more than one person that values me deeply. It just suchs more than anything, to give someone everything, with no intention of receiving anything in return...only to be cast out like I never even existed or made a difference. It's about time I move on to better things, because if I keep dwelling on my hurt and pain, I'll wear myself down little by little. And although I feel really low, and like I don't really matter....I want better things. I want somebody to tell me things and mean it, I want somebody to call me theirs. It just....sucks. I try so hard, I almost always put my feelings aside in order to maintain some fragment of a friendship.....but I always end up opening the flood gates of my heart, allowing him to be run over by fury of my pain. Wow great analogy. I never mean to hurt him, I never mean to single him out and make him suffer. All I wanted was to be the one he loved, be the one who saved him from himself. I want to be somebody's someone, is that so hard to ask?!?! I don't understand why God doesn't think I deserve someone's love. All I do is pray, go to worship, and read my Bible...it's all I can hang on to really. More than anything in this world, I want to rewind my life back to Honors Choir. I'd have taken things so much slower, not given him so much of my heart so quickly, and who knows....maybe we'd still be friends. He's like a ghost to me, like he doesn't even want to exist in my heart anymore. I try so hard. And no matter what approach, I end up hurting him more. I wish I could just....be there for him. Be somebody he'll remember. But as for now I'm already quickly fading into his past, mostly because of my actions and hurtful words. I'm going to take this opportunity to apologize. I'm deeply sorry for any pain, hurt, or sorrow I caused you with either words or actions. It was simply my own (incorrect) way to cope with my own inner demons. I'm so immensely sorry for holding you accountable for my pain, I knew in my heart things were slipping when you came to see me....I should have bitten it in the butt then, and maybe my heart wouldn't be still so shattered. It's my own fault, plain and simple. Had I not exploded, things would be different. Had I not made accusations, things would be different. Had I not acted like a heartbroken little kid, when I should have acted like a healing young adult, things would be different. But, through all this pain, and through my salty tears, I see the light at the end of the tunnel more clearly today than ever. I went to Cornerstone church yesterday with my dad (after 2 catholic masses, yay triple duty, i could use the holiness) and the sermon was about Job (who I had ironically just read about on saturday afternoon). "The Lord giveth, and he taketh away." ...Job praised the Lord because He had the power to give and take away, not because God could give him riches. It's why I need to rely on blind faith. Praise God! Not because he gave me such an amazing gift, like jd, but because He has the power to give and take away, which He definitely did!:( I firmly believe it was a test of my faith, and so help me, I'm not going to let Him down. I love Him more than life itself, and He's the one who gave it to me. For now, I'm off...I just needed to let things out.....I love you all so much, even if you think I don't.....always and forever ladies and gents!!...don't ever let life get you down....the real treasure is in heaven!
I love you so much!
Erika Sue |
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